Monday, September 10, 2012

My Letter to "Paige"

Hi, so I know it has been awhile but recently I really messed up. I have had a problem for a few years and honestly sometimes I need my best friend. So tonight, I snapped at her and I really am sorry. I hope she actually reads this.


Hey. So this is honestly the hardest thing that I have ever written. I just hope it isn't as hard for you to read as it was for me to write. Now before you start freaking out, this is not a suicide note. In fact, until recently I was slowly starting to get past all that. I have come to realize something. You will most likely disagree... well knowing you, you will disagree with my observations. By now you are probably wondering what I am talking about. But before I go into all of that, I need you to be patient. I have a few things to say.
I want to say Thank you. Thank you for being my most stable and rational friend. Thank you for saving my life. When I first met you, I secretly judged you. Truth is I thought you were crazy. But as I got to know you, I realized I was wrong. You are insane. But in all honesty I found that you had a great heart and that was all that mattered. Not only did you have a great heart, you managed to save my life. As you know I fell into a dark place and I thought I hid it pretty well. Nobody knew how alone I felt. It was like I was screaming for help in a room full of people, and nobody even notices. Honestly I thought people wouldn't even care if I died. You were the first person that found out what I was hiding and you stuck with me. I knew than that I had somebody who cared about me. You stopped me several times. You saved my life several times. I am eternally grateful.
I should probably start on the main purpose of this letter. Believe it or not this is not a trip down memory lane letter or a thank you note. In fact this could possibly be the complete opposite. I don't feel that this was something I could tell you over phone or txt. So snail-mail it is. So being completely honest, our friendship has been at risk. Now before you freak out I have reasons.

  1. Sweetie, You don't need me anymore. You now have a stable support system in both states. I was just there when you needed it. I am not even that great of a friend. But always remember even if I wasn't one of your best friends, you were one of mine.
  2. I am not a greek. Recently I have been feeling that you being a greek and me being a non-greek has made it really hard for us to talk. Recently I have needed my best friend and you weren't there. Thank god I am a chicken.
  3. We both have kinda changed.... simple as that
  4. It's hard being friends with someone 200 miles away and can't ever talk. Maybe I just wasn't a good enough friend.
Now you can yell at me all you want but I have been thinking these things for a while. Starting college blind has been really tough on me. But no matter what the outcome of this letter is, you are one of the greatest people I have been blessed to know. Never think a negative thought about yourself, cause it is not true. You have honestly made me a better person and I thank you for that. Now if this is the end, I really wish it didn't end like this or better yet ended at all. I will never know if it was the same for you, but you were my best friend and I could come to you with anything. I loved you like family and I possibly could for a long time. It is hard for me to write an ending to this because I'm crying so hard and how do you say goodbye to someone that had such a big impact on your life? Now if this isn't the end... all the stuff I said is true. But to end this, I will just say what I said to you the last time I saw you.

Bye Chica

Monday, September 3, 2012

Mental Institution or College?

So far I feel like I have been locked up in an institution. The rooms are cold, the people are cold and I swear have are mutes, and I feel like I am going crazy and want it all to end. No I am not talking about a mental asylum, I am talking about college...... again.
Yes I know I have probably beat the subject to death but besides this I barely have anything making me upset now besides my friends. I have survived two weeks of it and last week I didn't really have any major breakdowns. It is a major improvement to say the least but I cannot shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach.....

Am I really doing what is right for me?

To my family and friends..... they would say I was. They would say that I was going to be a model student, that I was the first one to get a scholarship in my family and should graduate in four years. They would say that I would be perfectly fine. They would say that I can do this. But if you really asked me, I still don't think I really am ready for this. I would say that I have too much pressure put on me, I most likely will not live up to their academic standards they have set for me, I can't do this and won't be perfectly fine..... Now this still might be my freshman nerves but what if it is not. What if I really am not ready for this........... What do I do?

No, there is no what if's about this situation people. When I think about it, there is a giant neon sign in my head blinking GO BACK NOW!! YOU AREN'T READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So do I listen to my friends and family or my conscious? I really don't know but where the hell is Jiminy Cricket right now?! That little guy always knows the right answer.............

So as I am writing this out I am thinking of solutions..

  1.  I go on with college......eventually stop caring
  2. I go on with college... go crazy and either end up dead or in a mental institution
  3. I tell my parents my feelings... withdrawal after this semester and take a break
  4. I tell my parents my feelings.... find an alternative.
  5. I tell my parents my feelings.... get disowned
  6. I tell my parents my feelings.... be forced to stay in college

Yeah as far as I can see...... I'm screwed. I guess I need to give it the rest of the semester before I really decide anything. But one thing is for certain, I need to talk to my parents.

Little Update

So is there a difference between talking at someone and talking with someone? Hmmm I think there is...

Sorry I had to rant a little because that really bugs me when you need to talk to someone and they don't answer constantly. So I am just publishing a small update. I am getting used to college I think..... I still don't like it though. It is different, that is all I can say right now without whining.

Right now I am having issues with friends from my past. I guess things really are changing and I don't think I can keep up anymore. It's more like I want to hang onto the past. God I really sound like the Disney song "when she loved me" sometimes. And when I think of my friends I feel like "Somebody I Used to Know" by Gotye is my soundtrack. Is this sad? Pathetic maybe?....... Yeah it really is. I may not be strong but I am strong enough to admit that.

So I will most likely post something longer later... but today is my mother's birthday! Happy Birthday Mom!!!