Monday, September 10, 2012

My Letter to "Paige"

Hi, so I know it has been awhile but recently I really messed up. I have had a problem for a few years and honestly sometimes I need my best friend. So tonight, I snapped at her and I really am sorry. I hope she actually reads this.


Hey. So this is honestly the hardest thing that I have ever written. I just hope it isn't as hard for you to read as it was for me to write. Now before you start freaking out, this is not a suicide note. In fact, until recently I was slowly starting to get past all that. I have come to realize something. You will most likely disagree... well knowing you, you will disagree with my observations. By now you are probably wondering what I am talking about. But before I go into all of that, I need you to be patient. I have a few things to say.
I want to say Thank you. Thank you for being my most stable and rational friend. Thank you for saving my life. When I first met you, I secretly judged you. Truth is I thought you were crazy. But as I got to know you, I realized I was wrong. You are insane. But in all honesty I found that you had a great heart and that was all that mattered. Not only did you have a great heart, you managed to save my life. As you know I fell into a dark place and I thought I hid it pretty well. Nobody knew how alone I felt. It was like I was screaming for help in a room full of people, and nobody even notices. Honestly I thought people wouldn't even care if I died. You were the first person that found out what I was hiding and you stuck with me. I knew than that I had somebody who cared about me. You stopped me several times. You saved my life several times. I am eternally grateful.
I should probably start on the main purpose of this letter. Believe it or not this is not a trip down memory lane letter or a thank you note. In fact this could possibly be the complete opposite. I don't feel that this was something I could tell you over phone or txt. So snail-mail it is. So being completely honest, our friendship has been at risk. Now before you freak out I have reasons.

  1. Sweetie, You don't need me anymore. You now have a stable support system in both states. I was just there when you needed it. I am not even that great of a friend. But always remember even if I wasn't one of your best friends, you were one of mine.
  2. I am not a greek. Recently I have been feeling that you being a greek and me being a non-greek has made it really hard for us to talk. Recently I have needed my best friend and you weren't there. Thank god I am a chicken.
  3. We both have kinda changed.... simple as that
  4. It's hard being friends with someone 200 miles away and can't ever talk. Maybe I just wasn't a good enough friend.
Now you can yell at me all you want but I have been thinking these things for a while. Starting college blind has been really tough on me. But no matter what the outcome of this letter is, you are one of the greatest people I have been blessed to know. Never think a negative thought about yourself, cause it is not true. You have honestly made me a better person and I thank you for that. Now if this is the end, I really wish it didn't end like this or better yet ended at all. I will never know if it was the same for you, but you were my best friend and I could come to you with anything. I loved you like family and I possibly could for a long time. It is hard for me to write an ending to this because I'm crying so hard and how do you say goodbye to someone that had such a big impact on your life? Now if this isn't the end... all the stuff I said is true. But to end this, I will just say what I said to you the last time I saw you.

Bye Chica

Monday, September 3, 2012

Mental Institution or College?

So far I feel like I have been locked up in an institution. The rooms are cold, the people are cold and I swear have are mutes, and I feel like I am going crazy and want it all to end. No I am not talking about a mental asylum, I am talking about college...... again.
Yes I know I have probably beat the subject to death but besides this I barely have anything making me upset now besides my friends. I have survived two weeks of it and last week I didn't really have any major breakdowns. It is a major improvement to say the least but I cannot shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach.....

Am I really doing what is right for me?

To my family and friends..... they would say I was. They would say that I was going to be a model student, that I was the first one to get a scholarship in my family and should graduate in four years. They would say that I would be perfectly fine. They would say that I can do this. But if you really asked me, I still don't think I really am ready for this. I would say that I have too much pressure put on me, I most likely will not live up to their academic standards they have set for me, I can't do this and won't be perfectly fine..... Now this still might be my freshman nerves but what if it is not. What if I really am not ready for this........... What do I do?

No, there is no what if's about this situation people. When I think about it, there is a giant neon sign in my head blinking GO BACK NOW!! YOU AREN'T READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So do I listen to my friends and family or my conscious? I really don't know but where the hell is Jiminy Cricket right now?! That little guy always knows the right answer.............

So as I am writing this out I am thinking of solutions..

  1.  I go on with college......eventually stop caring
  2. I go on with college... go crazy and either end up dead or in a mental institution
  3. I tell my parents my feelings... withdrawal after this semester and take a break
  4. I tell my parents my feelings.... find an alternative.
  5. I tell my parents my feelings.... get disowned
  6. I tell my parents my feelings.... be forced to stay in college

Yeah as far as I can see...... I'm screwed. I guess I need to give it the rest of the semester before I really decide anything. But one thing is for certain, I need to talk to my parents.

Little Update

So is there a difference between talking at someone and talking with someone? Hmmm I think there is...

Sorry I had to rant a little because that really bugs me when you need to talk to someone and they don't answer constantly. So I am just publishing a small update. I am getting used to college I think..... I still don't like it though. It is different, that is all I can say right now without whining.

Right now I am having issues with friends from my past. I guess things really are changing and I don't think I can keep up anymore. It's more like I want to hang onto the past. God I really sound like the Disney song "when she loved me" sometimes. And when I think of my friends I feel like "Somebody I Used to Know" by Gotye is my soundtrack. Is this sad? Pathetic maybe?....... Yeah it really is. I may not be strong but I am strong enough to admit that.

So I will most likely post something longer later... but today is my mother's birthday! Happy Birthday Mom!!!


Friday, August 24, 2012


*The last post I meant to post like a week ago sorry!*

I have to be dreaming...... cause right now my life is a f***ing nightmare! Confused? Well let me explain.....

You are standing in a house. Everything is dark but it is light enough to where you can see your family. They are going about...doing whatever it is that they do. You try to get their attention.... but they can't hear or see you. You are screaming your head off begging for someone to help you and nobody does anything........ this is what I feel like right now........

As some of you that have kept up with this know.... I just finished my first week of college. And as some of you know...... I wasn't ready for it at all....... And you know what I was right. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS!!!! And the thing is it's not like I haven't told my family, they just won't listen.

I tried talking to my mother about it.... she doesn't believe me and tells me that I have to go. I tell my dad about it.... he says what I am feeling is completely normal for a freshman. I tell my older sister.... she tells me to grow up, grow a pair, and get over it. So yes it really is like I am screaming for help when nobody can hear me.

I mean what I am feeling may be normal, but I don't think its normal to:

  • Break down the night before classes
  • Cry yourself to sleep every single night
  • Feel completely helpless and alone
  • Break down when you try to do the homework. 
That is just the beginning.... But I have come to the conclusion that I CANNOT DO THIS!!!! I just want someone to actually listen to me for once.... 

I honestly think that I have been depressed for a couple of years..... so depression, anxiety, and ADD?....... yeah you can say it..... I'm F****D! Now I am not saying that I am suicidal or anything but some days..... I will admit that the option looks good. One big problem though.... I am to scared to go through with it. And honestly I feel completely alone...... I don't have any friends in any of my classes. I see some friends sometimes but it is rare and I am not very close to them. So yeah I am basically alone. 

Ok I am gonna stop my little pity party for today. So is what I am feeling really normal? Is there anybody out there that was in the same boat as me? Any advice? 


Happiness or Parent Approval?

So I have a problem.... I am scared shitless about starting college. Its a completely new world that I will step into in three days and I have been thinking. Is college even right for me? I don't know if this is just the nerves speaking or what but it is an honest question. Now I know that some of you are thinking that its stupid that I am actually questioning this but look at all the great people that dropped out or didn't go to college.

For instance:

  • Steve Jobs
  • Bill Gates
  • Mark Zuckerburg
  • Rachel Ray (even though I can't stand her)
  • Henry Ford
  • Walt Disney
  • Larry Page (founder of Google)
  • And lots of other people

Now I'm not saying that college isn't important but is entering a 4-year institution completely necessary when you just get out of high school? I mean if you know what you want to do for the rest of your life... fine. But if you are like me and you have no clue, I found that you do have options. There is always the trade schools. And usually what they teach..... the is always a job market for it. Than there is plain ole' community college. From what I have witnessed with the experiences of my older sister. You can go for two years and get an associates degree and go to work or go back to a bigger university and get your bachelors. There is nothing wrong with community college. It will give you time to decide what you want to do and it will save you a little money in the meantime. A degree is a degree isn't it?!

So now that I realized that I have options. Can I hang on for 4 months? I mean I am already stressed out... will this extra stress make me want to kill myself? I don't know

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

If you knew me....

If you knew me you would know that my dog just died.
If you knew me you would know that I can no longer enter my garage without breaking down.
If you knew me you would know that I need my best friend.
If you knew me you would know that I am talking about the one I have mentioned the last couple of posts.
If you knew me you would know that I have been really harsh on her.
If you knew me you would know that I'm only harsh cause I miss her and I want her to be here.
If you knew me you would know that this is the last post that I will mention her in.

So I know that is an interesting start but I didn't know how to start this post. Yesterday when I started writing everything was fine. I was happy and in a matter of hours it felt like my world collapsed. Since than I have been crying, easily aggravated, and somewhat depressed. My dog just died. And for those who say I need to get over it, try having a dog that you have had your entire life and than see how it feels when it dies. It sucks. I haven't felt this weak since I got over some things from my past. I'm so weak that I cannot even go into my garage without crying now. Cause if I go in there I will see where she used to sleep. And I just want to pretend for awhile that she is alive and healthy. I'm not ready to accept it.

I did go out this morning with an old friend of mine. We ended up going to the park and we played around in the creek. He was trying to comfort me and keep my mind off of it but did he really have to be so touchy feely? I can understand the few hugs we had and pulling me into his side when we were sitting on the bank and I was crying but the whole picking me up and carrying me like a caveman thing and holding my waist while sitting on a log and than pulling me into his lap? Oh and than him slapping my ass and pinning me down in the sand. That wasn't normal for us. But it really actually did get my mind off of my dog. And it made it to where I actually wanted to go to work.

Ok so this is the last post that I will mention "paige" in. I want to formally apologize for the way I have been talking about her, cause she has been reading these. I need my friend and she can't be here. So I got pissed off and wrote. And these posts aren't even that bad compared to some of the text messages I sent her. I love her to death and I miss her. And the one time I truly needed her...... she couldn't be there. If she is still willing to try, I will try to stay friends. And about last night, I was bipolar. Not literally but I acted like it. I don't blame her for not being able to talk but I at least could of used her calling me at any point last night asking me if I was ok.... even if she knew I was not. She wouldn't of even had to call, a text would be sufficient. It would have shown that she cared. But she does so she already knew I wasn't ok. This is my last post for awhile that includes her.

Anyway I have had a very hard day and I want a nap. Goodbye till next post.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Time to put on my big girl pants

Well it was my second day of work and guess what nothing is different except for my salary and my class. I had talked to my friend "paige" and she had read my last couple of posts. You think that it would help to have her know what I feel but honestly it doesn't. I know that my superstitions were false but in a way my theories are kinda true. Truth is we won't be the same people that we were in high school. And even if we are the same, we won't know that about each other. We are 200 miles apart for god sakes. Anyway as you can tell the one thing I miss the most is having my partner in crime (paige) with me. But that doesn't mean I still don't love my job.

So work is the one thing that has stayed pretty much constant in my life. The older kid teacher still constantly picks on me..... like the annoying older brother I really never wanted. The girl I work with is still like the sister I could tell pretty much everything to and not have to worry about it getting out. And my boss and I still make smartass comments to each other. But the weird things that have changed, is some of the other staff members attitude toward me. Like for instance this one girl that I swear she hated my guts for no reason is now nice to me........ It is kinda freaking me out. And the guys that never talked to me actually talk to me now. Maybe being out of high school really does have its perks.

And on a very sad note I lost my dog tonight. I have had her basically my entire life and she truly was my best friend. But the thing was that she was in such bad shape, it would be cruel to make her live like that. Basically she was already blind and partially deaf and she had a seizure tonight and was dying so at 11:35 8/14/12 Franny died.

R.I.P. Franny

Speaking of best friends.... I heard from basically all of them but one. They actually took the time to talk to me on the phone and calm me down but since little miss is rushing she couldn't. I mean couldn't she have excused herself to the bathroom and call and make sure I was at least ok? I would have done it for her. I don't know if I am being a little harsh on her because I'm upset and mourning or if what I am thinking is really the truth. I really hope she does actually care cause right now I cannot afford to lose anyone else that I love from my life. So hopefully we get this figured out soon.

And you will never guess what. My oldest guy friend is taking me to the park tomorrow to help get my mind off of my dog. I really need this. Hopefully it will restore the strength I need to get through this, if not........ wish me luck.

Monday, August 13, 2012

How do you spell Clarification?

So I really feel the need to clarify something. In my last post I talked about my friend a little bit. Now I need to elaborate a little. This girl... I'm going to call her Paige... has been a friend of mine for years. She and I used to joke around saying that we couldn't get rid of one another cause we knew too much. Anyway the stuff she has to put up with me is what made me think of myself as the "charity case" friend. I actually considered her to be my best friend. But now that she has moved off to college, can she still be my best friend? Please can somebody help me?! Cause I have never had this happen to me and I have no flippin' idea what to do! There are times when I think that I can keep her as a lifelong friend and than there are times when I just want to pull away cause I don't want to be left standing if our friendship ends. I have had enough heartache in my life to last me till I'm 50 and I don't know if I can take it. SO the real question here is:

To stay or to go?

Every single one of my close friends in my life has had a part of my heart but most of it is gone now. Can I take someone else in my life leaving? Answer is IDK. I'm trying to ween off communication a little but I'm failing at it. People told me saying goodbye to someone you love was hard but couldn't they clarify a little that goodbye freaking sucks?

And as to the whole "oh you two can always talk" thing... I have one word to say to that...... Bullshit!
If I didn't say little things for her to see when she was able to check her phone (she has been really busy) We wouldn't say anything at all to each other. SO people of the universe you can't say I didn't try. So I have a feeling by the end of this... I will either have lost my best friend completely or I just have a good friend.

Can you guess which one I'm hoping for?

What now?

You know that feeling you get when you think about the year and how so much as changed? It's crazy isn't it? Here is my year in a glance:

  • Five months ago... I legally became an adult. 
  • Three months ago.... I graduated High School.
  • 4 days ago.... The girl I considered my closest friend moved away.
  • and today... the first day to a new school year.
 So much has changed and working by myself for the past week has really put this in perspective. Not only has it kept me busy but I have been thinking.....

 What do I do now?

Its not like I can just run away cause I start college next week. But the idea is very appealing though. Just to drop everything, get in the car and drive. Not knowing where you are going and when you will be back. Unfortunately I don't have the time nor the finances for that. So I take the "poor man vacation." I imagine that I am anywhere but here. But the only bad thing is... it sucks when you open your eyes.

So I think the main thing that has been bothering me is my best friend. Well one of them... but this one knows everything. Truth is I really miss her. She was the one friend that stood by me when everybody else abandoned me. But now that I think about it maybe she did a little bit. She may have been one of my closest friends but was I actually one of hers? Or was I the "charity case" friend? Is this normal for me to be thinking this?! I'm going to stop before I turn this into a rant.

So yeah my life has changed. In a good way or a bad way? I honestly don't know yet.

When I figure it out I will let you know.