Wednesday, August 15, 2012

If you knew me....

If you knew me you would know that my dog just died.
If you knew me you would know that I can no longer enter my garage without breaking down.
If you knew me you would know that I need my best friend.
If you knew me you would know that I am talking about the one I have mentioned the last couple of posts.
If you knew me you would know that I have been really harsh on her.
If you knew me you would know that I'm only harsh cause I miss her and I want her to be here.
If you knew me you would know that this is the last post that I will mention her in.

So I know that is an interesting start but I didn't know how to start this post. Yesterday when I started writing everything was fine. I was happy and in a matter of hours it felt like my world collapsed. Since than I have been crying, easily aggravated, and somewhat depressed. My dog just died. And for those who say I need to get over it, try having a dog that you have had your entire life and than see how it feels when it dies. It sucks. I haven't felt this weak since I got over some things from my past. I'm so weak that I cannot even go into my garage without crying now. Cause if I go in there I will see where she used to sleep. And I just want to pretend for awhile that she is alive and healthy. I'm not ready to accept it.

I did go out this morning with an old friend of mine. We ended up going to the park and we played around in the creek. He was trying to comfort me and keep my mind off of it but did he really have to be so touchy feely? I can understand the few hugs we had and pulling me into his side when we were sitting on the bank and I was crying but the whole picking me up and carrying me like a caveman thing and holding my waist while sitting on a log and than pulling me into his lap? Oh and than him slapping my ass and pinning me down in the sand. That wasn't normal for us. But it really actually did get my mind off of my dog. And it made it to where I actually wanted to go to work.

Ok so this is the last post that I will mention "paige" in. I want to formally apologize for the way I have been talking about her, cause she has been reading these. I need my friend and she can't be here. So I got pissed off and wrote. And these posts aren't even that bad compared to some of the text messages I sent her. I love her to death and I miss her. And the one time I truly needed her...... she couldn't be there. If she is still willing to try, I will try to stay friends. And about last night, I was bipolar. Not literally but I acted like it. I don't blame her for not being able to talk but I at least could of used her calling me at any point last night asking me if I was ok.... even if she knew I was not. She wouldn't of even had to call, a text would be sufficient. It would have shown that she cared. But she does so she already knew I wasn't ok. This is my last post for awhile that includes her.

Anyway I have had a very hard day and I want a nap. Goodbye till next post.

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