Thursday, January 10, 2013

A Very Good Surprise

Hello again!

Things change... this is one realization I had over the past six months.

Over the past six months I had a number of changes........

  1. I graduated High School
  2. I started college
  3. I got stuck between two friends
  4. I managed to rock my first semester of college
  5. I was set up with a really great guy :)

So as you can see from my previous posts, life has started to get better. Yes I still do have my times of weakness but life was slowly looking up. UNTIL TODAY. Yes here we go the crazy girl is sad once again. I miss my "boy toy" as we have been calling him and today was the first day of my second semester. It was interesting to say the least

Not Such a Blast from the Past......

So today I went to school as usual but something terrible happened. Ladies, I am talking to you..... you know that feeling when you run into your ex and you are like wtf?! Well I had that happen today but instead of the ex just being a normal ex-boyfriend, it was my anti-christ of an ex. There is a long story to this but lets just say that he cheated on me and it was a very traumatic relationship. So I didn't technically talk to him though.... I saw him and than everything to avoid being seen............ yeah I am a little bit of a coward. But I'm a coward ninja!

But as I sat in my Government class..... I kept remembering all the bad things that happened in our relationship. I was getting ready to sob in my class but instead tried to get ahold of one of my friends. And btw I'm in college and I understand that time is a luxury but seriously?! I couldn't get ahold of anyone. Except for one person who I am kind of friends with...... my friend's ex-boyfriend. *Note that I do not have nor do I ever expect to have romantic feelings towards him.*

Serious FML

Sororities.... Friend or Foe?

This was written awhile ago but I found it and found it interesting...

Well hello there... So I have updates. For one this is not going to be a really "whiny" post.  I know that some of the people that are keeping up with this will be relieved.. hehe.  Anyway I am starting to get used to college....... not that I actually like it.... in fact I still hate it. "Paige" tensions are still high... even though I said I wasn't going to talk about her anymore... I kind of need to. This WILL be the last time. Also my other friend I am going to call her "Anastasia" has been awesome. She has really stepped it up since "Paige" has kind of turned into a sorority girl. Did I tell you guys that?

Anyway I love work. That isn't something an 18 year old really says, but I am. Lately I have gone to my coworkers for advice and Friday...... we talked about sororities. Now for all you "greek" people in sororities and frats, I have nothing against you personally. I am just stating common thoughts about them. Anyway they brought up a few good points.

  1. You change especially in sororities. You could be the sweetest people on Earth, but if you aren't careful... you change. For instance I knew someone besides paige that was soooo sweet and than she rushed and now she thinks she is better than everybody else who is not into the greek life.
  2. You basically pay for your friends... It's true....
  3. They are like cults. 
  4. It is hard to talk to a friend that is in a sorority.... trust me it is. 
That is just a few of the points. But starting with point 4, it really is true.... Just the other day, "Paige" and I had a conversation and we were talking and I was filling her in on what has been going on back home. I said something about it not being the same here and I am not the same anymore..... and she agreed. I asked her what she meant and she said that I have been hiding more... Yes, I will admit that I haven't told her everything... but honestly what can she do when she is 200 miles away? The most she can do is pretend to listen and reply with "I'm sorry." ANYWAY, I went on the defensive and told her that it was basically the pot calling the kettle black and that she doesn't tell me anything anymore anyway. She replies that there is nothing to tell but....... sorority stuff....... that is when I really noticed it.  
I want to tell her that I am sorry for writing about her again.... but I'm not. She won't listen to my texts messages and I need to write all this out. I have had enough emotional breakdowns. I need my best friend and hopefully she is still there. 

So "Anastasia" is my other best friend. "Paige" and her used to be friends but that is a long story. Anyway lately I have been calling her when I need someone. I called her the night my dog died..... "Paige" was at rush and could't talk. Anyway "Anastasia" let me just cry and tried to get me to calm down. That is what I needed. She has been there for me and I love her for that. 

Now again I want to clarify, that "Paige" is not a bitch. She is one of the most down to earth people I know but lately she has adapted to fit college... and I guess you can say I haven't. If I am writing her out to be a bitch... she really isn't. I am just venting cause she can't always be here for me like she has been in the past. I miss her... that's all. Also I would like to add I am not against Sororities.... They just aren't for me. I considered it and decided that it just wasn't what I want to do. Anyway I am done venting for the night.

Monday, September 10, 2012

My Letter to "Paige"

Hi, so I know it has been awhile but recently I really messed up. I have had a problem for a few years and honestly sometimes I need my best friend. So tonight, I snapped at her and I really am sorry. I hope she actually reads this.


Hey. So this is honestly the hardest thing that I have ever written. I just hope it isn't as hard for you to read as it was for me to write. Now before you start freaking out, this is not a suicide note. In fact, until recently I was slowly starting to get past all that. I have come to realize something. You will most likely disagree... well knowing you, you will disagree with my observations. By now you are probably wondering what I am talking about. But before I go into all of that, I need you to be patient. I have a few things to say.
I want to say Thank you. Thank you for being my most stable and rational friend. Thank you for saving my life. When I first met you, I secretly judged you. Truth is I thought you were crazy. But as I got to know you, I realized I was wrong. You are insane. But in all honesty I found that you had a great heart and that was all that mattered. Not only did you have a great heart, you managed to save my life. As you know I fell into a dark place and I thought I hid it pretty well. Nobody knew how alone I felt. It was like I was screaming for help in a room full of people, and nobody even notices. Honestly I thought people wouldn't even care if I died. You were the first person that found out what I was hiding and you stuck with me. I knew than that I had somebody who cared about me. You stopped me several times. You saved my life several times. I am eternally grateful.
I should probably start on the main purpose of this letter. Believe it or not this is not a trip down memory lane letter or a thank you note. In fact this could possibly be the complete opposite. I don't feel that this was something I could tell you over phone or txt. So snail-mail it is. So being completely honest, our friendship has been at risk. Now before you freak out I have reasons.

  1. Sweetie, You don't need me anymore. You now have a stable support system in both states. I was just there when you needed it. I am not even that great of a friend. But always remember even if I wasn't one of your best friends, you were one of mine.
  2. I am not a greek. Recently I have been feeling that you being a greek and me being a non-greek has made it really hard for us to talk. Recently I have needed my best friend and you weren't there. Thank god I am a chicken.
  3. We both have kinda changed.... simple as that
  4. It's hard being friends with someone 200 miles away and can't ever talk. Maybe I just wasn't a good enough friend.
Now you can yell at me all you want but I have been thinking these things for a while. Starting college blind has been really tough on me. But no matter what the outcome of this letter is, you are one of the greatest people I have been blessed to know. Never think a negative thought about yourself, cause it is not true. You have honestly made me a better person and I thank you for that. Now if this is the end, I really wish it didn't end like this or better yet ended at all. I will never know if it was the same for you, but you were my best friend and I could come to you with anything. I loved you like family and I possibly could for a long time. It is hard for me to write an ending to this because I'm crying so hard and how do you say goodbye to someone that had such a big impact on your life? Now if this isn't the end... all the stuff I said is true. But to end this, I will just say what I said to you the last time I saw you.

Bye Chica

Monday, September 3, 2012

Mental Institution or College?

So far I feel like I have been locked up in an institution. The rooms are cold, the people are cold and I swear have are mutes, and I feel like I am going crazy and want it all to end. No I am not talking about a mental asylum, I am talking about college...... again.
Yes I know I have probably beat the subject to death but besides this I barely have anything making me upset now besides my friends. I have survived two weeks of it and last week I didn't really have any major breakdowns. It is a major improvement to say the least but I cannot shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach.....

Am I really doing what is right for me?

To my family and friends..... they would say I was. They would say that I was going to be a model student, that I was the first one to get a scholarship in my family and should graduate in four years. They would say that I would be perfectly fine. They would say that I can do this. But if you really asked me, I still don't think I really am ready for this. I would say that I have too much pressure put on me, I most likely will not live up to their academic standards they have set for me, I can't do this and won't be perfectly fine..... Now this still might be my freshman nerves but what if it is not. What if I really am not ready for this........... What do I do?

No, there is no what if's about this situation people. When I think about it, there is a giant neon sign in my head blinking GO BACK NOW!! YOU AREN'T READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So do I listen to my friends and family or my conscious? I really don't know but where the hell is Jiminy Cricket right now?! That little guy always knows the right answer.............

So as I am writing this out I am thinking of solutions..

  1.  I go on with college......eventually stop caring
  2. I go on with college... go crazy and either end up dead or in a mental institution
  3. I tell my parents my feelings... withdrawal after this semester and take a break
  4. I tell my parents my feelings.... find an alternative.
  5. I tell my parents my feelings.... get disowned
  6. I tell my parents my feelings.... be forced to stay in college

Yeah as far as I can see...... I'm screwed. I guess I need to give it the rest of the semester before I really decide anything. But one thing is for certain, I need to talk to my parents.

Little Update

So is there a difference between talking at someone and talking with someone? Hmmm I think there is...

Sorry I had to rant a little because that really bugs me when you need to talk to someone and they don't answer constantly. So I am just publishing a small update. I am getting used to college I think..... I still don't like it though. It is different, that is all I can say right now without whining.

Right now I am having issues with friends from my past. I guess things really are changing and I don't think I can keep up anymore. It's more like I want to hang onto the past. God I really sound like the Disney song "when she loved me" sometimes. And when I think of my friends I feel like "Somebody I Used to Know" by Gotye is my soundtrack. Is this sad? Pathetic maybe?....... Yeah it really is. I may not be strong but I am strong enough to admit that.

So I will most likely post something longer later... but today is my mother's birthday! Happy Birthday Mom!!!